Lithuania doesn’t believe in sears.

 Lithuania’s shining beacon of modernity is housed in the neo-Renaissance superstructure called the “Akropolis”. All people (excluding the soulless babushkas, Poles, Russians, and Belorussians) bring their sweater clad dogs and even their consumption stricken children to see this murse filled warehouse and prefer it to other city landmarks, such as the first state sponsored Kafkian Post office, Art museums exhibiting erotic collages of Ghallagher cut out of Soviet newspapers, the Greatest wheat-field in all Lithuania, and yes, even the infamous Lithuanian Cat-Circus. With its vast array of dining establishments such as KFC, and Pizza Hut, clothing staples such as LEVI’s Jeans and a who-knew-existed CHAMPION athletic store, the Akropolis knows its audience. It’s as if the Akropolis was inspired by the city of Akron and blessed by the ghosts of Chernobyl. All in all the Akropolis earns a solid 7 out of 10 Pole-Scalps.

When they saw me in my space suit and the parachute dragging alongside as I walked, they started to back away in fear. I told them, don’t be afraid, I am a Soviet like you, who has descended from space and I must find a telephone to call Moscow!

On 12 April 1961, Yuri Gagarin became the first man to travel into space, launching to orbit aboard the Vostok 3KA-3. During his flight, Gagarin famously whistled the tune “The Motherland Hears, The Motherland Knows” and proclaimed that he did not “see any God up here.”

Most may have posthumously postulated that the age of soviet heroics ended with the fall of the union which championed them. Evidently they have not heard of the re-imagined Red Dawn or the blog visionary Dexter Meyers.

On 5th, January 2011, Dexter Meyers became the first man to launch an intriguing and thoughtful blog involving an American Student enrolled in Vytautas Magnus University into the blogosphere. During it’s launch, Dexter infamously played the lyrics to Sting’s “Russians” in his head and quipped  with forceful irony that he did not “see any Marx up here.”

Upon his descent into the blogosphere Dexter Meyers issued his manifesto for Lithuania’s retrograde, ambient lit future:

Lithuania! Gawk at its Post Sovietness! Is that a Queue I see? Let me stand in it! Is that a man or a Salvador painting of a pretzel? Let me eat it! Is that a  weeping Babushka and a urine drenched underpass? Let me be bathed by it!

While I pack no Hammer and I do not know what a sickle is, I do share a “Communism, It’s a party” T-Shirt, and I intend to wear it.

Six easy steps to keep the gipper from scoring.

1: Indoctrinate all midwestern highschools before invasion.

2: Cover T.a.T.U at your local Karaoke venue.

3. Use your tears of despair for moonshining vodka.

4. Chew off the filters before handing cigarettes to children.

5.  Cement your love of communism with limited edition commemorative cement blocks.

6.  Ring the bell at Long John Silvers with obvious sarcasm.

If Russia is the Motherlands child, then I am its nutrient rich placenta.